I'm telling you, Greta,
your husband should not let you out of the house with legs like that.
- Your assistant's hot. - She's 63, dude!
I think my German nanny really screwed me up.
So what's with all the stuff in your office?
It's that stupid time of year where my stupid coworker's stupid kids
sell crap to support their stupid activities.
And stupid people buy it all?
I can't say no.
People are still giving me the stink eye
'cause I didn't chip in for Marilyn's get well gift, like...
flowers were gonna uncollapse her lung.
I know how you feel.
People are always asking me to donate money
to cure some disease I'm never even gonna get.
What about diseases they get from you?
I'm not on trial here.
- Let's go to lunch! - Or, or...
We can stay here and feast on saltwater taffy
and assorted popcorn. The cheddar quadrant's pretty solid.
Bingham, you're here.
Let me go grab the raffle tickets for my son's band trip.
Great. Maybe when you come back you can buy some assorted popcorn
from my son Jeff Junior over here.
That'd be swell, Mister.
Episode 214: Buyer's Remorse
Transcript: swsub.com Synchro: sub-way.fr | italiansubs.net
So every parent in your office is pushing their kids' stuff?
They're relentless.
I feel like a tourist in the streets of Calcutta.
You did a good thing supporting those kids.
- Stop complaining. - I'll stop complaing
when they start selling scotch.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Guess what. The old lady in apartment 9-A just died.
Great news! Alone. No surving relatives.
See, when I laugh at the bike messenger flipping over his handlebars,
I'm the jerk.
It's great news, because now the apartment's for sale.
- You guys should buy it. - They got that lady out of there?
We've always planned on buying, but after the wedding.
Apartments in our building do not come up for sale that often.
And this one is a really good deal.
It would be nice not to have to ask every time I want to paint a wall
or put a stripper pole in the bedroom.
Real estate's a sound investment.
Yeah, we are just throwing money away on rent.
Isn't it tough to get approval from the coop board?
That's the beauty of this. Jeff and I have lived there for ten years.
If we recommend you, it's done.
Thanks. That'd be great.
We'll be living in the same building forever.
Our kids'll grow up together.
Our daughter is not allowed on the stripper pole.
- I think we should go for it. - Let's give it a shot.
Yes, an apartment! I could kiss that dead old lady right on the mouth.
Did you guys see that hot little waitress?
- Smokin'. - Yeah. She's amazing.
Which one?
Look at her. I'd like to give her a big tip.
And then the rest of it.
You know that's a bad idea.
Yeah, listen, I know better than to hook up
with someone I see on a regular basis.
I made that mistake with my stepsister.
Is that you, Russell?
Well! Is that you... you?
Kerry. You don't remember?
Yeah, Kerry, from...
- We had sex. - Yes! Kerry from sex.
And you promised me a recording contract.
Oh, my God, did I not drop that in the mail?
I'm a space cadet.
Yeah, I never got that.
Yeah, it's just that whole music biz mix-up
with the Tupac and the rapping and all that, you know?
It's all a Sug thing. It usually funnels through him.
Oh, well.
Yeah, no problem.
So do you wanna order?
Yeah, I been jonesing for that meatloaf sandwich.
One meatloaf sandwich.
And, just so you know, I'm gonna hock a lugi in it.
You know what? I'd love it without the lugi.
Sorry, no substitutions.
Hi!
I'm selling gift items to raise money for our new school playground.
Sorry, kid, but they already squeezed me dry at the office.
- So good luck. - There's lots of good stuff here.
Have you seen the sweets and treats section?
Seen it? I own it.
You can't say no?
Let me tell you about supply and demand.
You are supplying.
I am demanding
that you leave me alone.
You have to buy at least one thing.
I'll buy one thing from you if you buy one thing from me.
How about some running shoes? Worn only once,
mostly sitting on a park bench eating a pretzel.
- You're not raising money for anything. - Yeah, I am...
To buy a boat.
Take me to an island where there are no kids trying to sell me crap.
I'm not leaving.
All right, you win.
Let me drop this stuff off in my apartment.
- What's with the music? - Check this out.
Awesome, right?
Did you just buy that?
It's gonna get you!
It's not as much fun without the music.
We just agreed to try to buy the apartment,
and now you run out and waste money on a toy meant for a seven-year-old?
It shows what you know.
"Ages eight and up."
If we're really gonna try to do this,
you gotta be more responsible with money.
I am responsible as hell.
Last week, you bought $200 worth of illegal fireworks.
For cinco de mayo.
And you blew them off in our kitchen.
In the sink-o.
I'm just saying, buying this apartment will change how much you can spend.
You won't be able to eat out, you'll have to use the subway sometimes.
I will happily take the subway... When they get rid of the mole people.
Be serious.
You can be late with the rent. You can't with a mortgage.
- You're gonna have to budget. - You will too.
I watch my spending.
Every day, I risk my life with the mole people.
I can live on a budget.
I don't have to buy fireworks or a little helicopter or a new lamp.
- A new lamp? - The helicopter has a mind of its own.
Look at you with the mood lighting.
I like it.
- Very romantic. - Why invest in electricity
when I'm already highly leveraged in scented gift candles.
They're working. It smells nice in here.
Trust me, it shouldn't.
So much for romantic.
Let's write that letter of recommendation for Adam and Jen.
Why do you always get us involved in stuff like that?
Because I like to help people. You knew that when you married me.
Yeah, but I was hoping life would beat it out of you.
It hasn't.
Now, what are we gonna say?
You write it, i'll sign it. That's our system.
- Come on. This is important. - Why?
What's in it for us?
Knowing that we helped our good friends
take a big step in their life and their relationship.
What else you got?
We need to say something nice about them that'll impress the coop board.
All right, Adam's a good hang.
And Jen can eat a lot for a girl.
At my funeral, you are to be mournful and silent.
So why are you eating here? Isn't it kind of risky?
I'm not gonna let some girl scare me off.
At least till 5:00, when she starts her shift.
That's it?
Soup is very filling.
Can I have 10 packets of crackers, please?
- What's going on? - It's obvious.
He's trying to fit into his prom dress.
Now that we might buy the apartment,
I wanna be more responsible with my finances.
Because get this: Jen thinks I can't budget my money.
I'm sorry, I started laughing after "Jen thinks."
I wanna show her that I can do this.
I got a $60 budget,
and I'm gonna use this notebook to account for every cent.
A cup of soup, $1.75.
Lost pen, $2.00.
Kerry's here early. Let's scram.
Guys, did you hear me? Let's hit the bricks.
- Why is there no skedaddlin'? - We're staying.
- I just got my soup. - Seriously,
- you're gonna pick the diner over me? - It's kind of a no-brainer.
- Fine, you've made your choice. - Russell?
Why couldn't we send the recommendation in the mail?
The fact that we're delivering it in person shows that we care.
The fact that I paused Deadliest Catch
to come down here should show how much I care.
What do you like about that show?
It's men doing men's work.
And there's suspense.
Will they catch crabs? Will they not catch crabs?
Sounds like Russell's dating life.
I'm gonna hand her the letter
and say a few nice things about Adam and Jen.
Hi, Mrs. Westlind?
- Hey, Audrey and Jeff Bingham. - Yes, of course.
Our dear friends Adam and Jennifer are considering buying that open apartment,
and we wanted to give you this recommendation.
Certainly.
We're doing it in person, 'cause we really care.
Yeah, loads.
Well, thank you. We'll certainly take this seriously.
Mom, that's the guy who was mean to me.
It is?
Yeah, he tried to make me buy his shoes.
Worn only once.
Excuse me.
- Is Kerry here today? - No, she's not.
Great. I'd like a meatloaf sandwich.
Excellent.
One meatloaf sandwich...
with a lugi.
She got to you too.
- Excuse me. You're the owner, right? - Yes. What do you need?
My name's Russell Dunbar.
I'm a long-time customer, first-time complainer.
I'm gonna need you to fire two waitresses for me.
Kerry and...
Might as well get rid of the whole bunch of them.
And I'd like a meatloaf sandwich.
No... not for a snake like you.
It goes all the way to the top.
Kerry tell me
you promised to send her demo to Quincy Jones.
You no send demo.
- I was going to. - And what you ask her to do...
on first date... Unspeakable!
It was just a suggestion.
- Hi, is Mrs. Westlind in? - It's all right, Delia. I've got it.
Hi. I baked this cake for you and your son.
It's just my way of apologizing for my husband's behavior.
Oh, a cake.
Here.
And I really hope you won't punish Adam and Jennifer
for being friends with Jeff.
They're young. They don't know any better.
I appreciate the gesture.
And I was very young when I married him.
Let's consider it water under the bridge.
Thank you.
Enjoy the cake. It's my grandmother's top secret recipe.
Which I can totally give you if you want, 'cause she's dead.
My keys.
Oh... my... God!
Pretty good food, huh?
I don't know. I miss the diner.
But you gotta admit, this is a bargain.
2 baskets of wings, 2 beers, all for 4 bucks.
Thank you for keeping me on budget, Wild Wednesdays.
$21? Excuse me.
This should be $4.
- It's Wild Wednesday. - Today's Tuesday.
How did we not know that?
I did know that.
Your reaction was just the pick-me-up I needed.
This is great. $5 for the rest of the week.
You're gonna need to lend me some money.
I'll lend you a calendar.
- Come on, man. - I can't. I'm a little light this week.
I'm sorry. Did you lose this?
I...
Yeah, you got some nerve pretending to accept my apology.
My husband is a much better person than you. At least he's honest.
You aren't even worthy of my Grammy's chocolate orgasm cake!
- Is there flour in that cake? - What? Yes, of course.
My son is allergic to gluten. If he eats that, he could die.
Well, then, he'd go with a big smile on his face, 'cause this...
cake is...
delicious. I'm just gonna get my keys and go.
How's budgeting going?
- It's great. Still got plenty of money. - Good! Because if we tighten our belts,
- I think we could afford this place. - Don't worry about him.
He can tighten his belt any day of the week.
- What day of the week is it again? - Oh, my God!
Exclusive birthday photos of baby Shilo!
- I left my wallet at home. - Don't worry. Adam'll buy it for you.
You know what? If Adam can tighten his belt, I can tighten mine.
- Forget the magazine. - Yeah, forget it.
Are you kidding me?
Come on. Be a man. Step up for your lady.
Can't you just, like, look at...
- Keep the change. - No, I'm...
Thanks, baby. See you later.
Bye.
- What was that? - A lot more fun than expected.
I have 6 cents left.
Don't worry, Daddy no-bucks. I got a paying gig for ya.
I called the diner and ordered a meatloaf sandwich.
It's paid for under an assumed name.
So all you gotta do is go get it and I'll give you...
- Two bucks. - Two bucks?
- You're right. - No! Okay, I'll do it!
- What's the name? - Ti Nywiener.
Come on, if I'm paying,
I wanna get my money's worth. Now... Go, scoot.
I have a takeout for... Ti Nywiener.
You're priceless.
Yeah. Bring me my sandwich, you $2 whore.
Don't touch it.
You suck, Nywiener!
Thanks for making up for my social faux pas. I would have...
never thought to show up at that woman's door
with a plate full of poison.
Adam and Jennifer are not benefiting from knowing us.
Few people have.
Hey, guys.
I just wanted to tell you
that Adam and I are going to the bank tomorrow to talk about a loan.
I am so psyched about our chances.
Maybe now is not a good time to buy. You guys are young.
You should be...
burning through your money like a coked-up rock star.
You should listen to him. He's a financial advisor.
We know it's not gonna be easy.
But it's worth it just to own an apartment
in the same building as you guys.
And we'll take three tins of assorted popcorn.
I think you'll take six.
Woman, I just bought a Hannah Montana lunch box.
- And now it's eight. - Good one, Mom.
Eight it is.
And I'll take those shoes you tried to sell me.
But I only wore those once.
And that's all you're ever gonna wear 'em.
- Hey, you wanna see a movie? - Yeah, sure. My treat.
Why?!
Let's go.
- What are you doing in my purse? - Stabbing myself with your tweezers!
And what are they doing in there? What are you tweezing outside the home?
- What were you looking for? - I was looking for money,
because I spent all of mine, I lost my receipt book,
and Tuesday is not Wednesday!
You said you were doing well with your budget.
They're all lies! I'm not good at saving money.
I don't wanna be responsible right now. I wanna...
I wanna be late with the rent. And I wanna blow things up.
You know what? We don't have to be responsible.
Why, are you secretly rich?
You know, I've been thinking about it, and I'm fine with the way our life is.
We can take cabs and go out to eat
and blow through our money like coked-up rock stars.
You're not saying this because I blew through my 7-day budget in 36 hours?
No, it's actually 30 hours longer than I thought you'd last.
And, for the record,
I'm not perfect myself.
You know all those entries in my checkbook that say Dr. Jeanette?
It's Janet, my manicurist.
I thought you were dying.
This has gone too far. Kerry, get out here!
Take it easy.
Shouldn't you be in a balcony insulting muppets?
You know, I've only had two loves in my life...
This place and a wet nurse from Berlin.
I lost Fraulein Schneider, and I'm not gonna lose the diner.
What's it gonna take to make this right?
Okay, I foot the bill for all this, and we're good?
- Yes. - Lugi-free for life?
- Absolutely. - From the top.
On the first date he asked me to do
somethin'
unspeakable
The tiny liar wanted me to do
somethin'
unspeakable
The miniature dirt bag wanted me to do
It was just a suggestion.
So we talked it over, and we decided not to buy the apartment after all.
You did, did you?
It's too hard financially.
Especially since we're already saving for the wedding.
Yes, we're gonna have an awesome fireworks show.
But...
To thank you for writing that letter, we brought you a little something.
- Four different kinds of popcorn. - Get outta here.